Work in Progress

 I chose that particular background to illustrate just like a home is in constant need of repairs, we too are in need of repair. We find though we have come to salvation there are those habits that linger a little longer than we would like. A word spoken in anger, a harsh response, a sharp look or any illustration of anything other than the love that Jesus offered us to our fellow kind.

Now home repairs or renovation are changes we undertake ourselves. There are projects we start and leave half way, others are not really able to be continued to the very end and others it seems require an expert to come and guide us. In our walk of faith, our attempts to become more and more like Christ on our own, through brutal punishment of self or extreme denial of pleasures that land us into sin, always fall flat on our faces. As a matter of fact the discipline we choose to practice without a Savior usually ends up with the temptation coming harder than ever before to the point where if we crossed one line last time we wend crossing 3-5 lines and fall into despair wondering whether we shall ever be perfect. 

In 2021, I had tried everything, I had tried to block numbers on my phone, I had signed up for more church programs, I was serving here and there, I wanted to just purify myself somehow and end up white as snow. All my attempts were futile, my failures stood there staring me in the face, if it wasn't drinking, it was getting together with my then boyfriend, always up to no good. I would come back to church miserable wondering why everyone seemed to be getting their life in order while I failed miserable and it seemed sin had a huge chokehold on me. I bumped into New Age content at around this time. I did not recognize it. I started with a book written by F..... and slowly started thinking because she quoted Bible verses here and there that this might be the way. I drifted further and further finding quotes and books by N...G..... At last, I thought to myself so this is how people are doing it. I joined groups featuring his content on Quora, I got on Youtube and followed a teacher who used his guides. It was all very wild, having to imagine things and be quite positive always. I felt surely I am mastering this discipline and I am headed on the right track. 

Let's go back in time, ever since I was a little girl if I had something very frightening happen in the night, I would ensure I slept with my Bible under my pillow and I would pray for Jesus to protect me and I would feel safe and fall asleep. Now while I was practicing these habits, meditations, thought holding and imagery creating, one night in the apartment where I lived the lights went out and it got so dark. The flat was built like any other to ensure that the owner maximized the number of people who resided there so the bedroom was always dark and you always had to have a light on. I did not realize the lights had gone and I opened my eyes in the darkness and began to think I was going blind. I called out frantically to my daughter, she woke up and assured me it was the lights that had gone. I went back to sleep though quite worried. I could not pray because this whole practice required I somehow trust that I have it all together. 

The next scary event that happened was when I was dreaming. I appeared to be in a dark room, all around me was dark and I immediately felt I should not be there. I looked and all around me was darkness, I went to call out to Jesus and I heard a scary voice respond, No one is coming to save you. I got scared and woke up immediately. Over the next few weeks I dreaded night time and especially when I had to sleep. I was so lost and confused but did not realize it at the time. Toward the end of the year, I was faithfully watching the teacher on Youtube when he said something so ridiculous, it did not matter how far I had strayed from God I knew he was as wrong as ever. He implied that Jesus was a woman. I stopped the video right there and I just shut it down. I WONDERED WHAT TO DO for the next couple of days. I mean here I was thinking I had finally found the truth and yet there was what I could not ignore right before me. I fell into despair and cried for Jesus to help me.

The year ended and in January 2022, I happened to go for a sleepover at my parents house. While there I had a dream that significantly changed the trajectory of my life. I was in a forest and there was a huge dark being taller or as tall as the trees in the forest. I do not know how to describe this but I felt I was inside of that beast. I was stuck inside it. I could sense its red eyes and how huge and ugly and dark it was. Suddenly this light filled an opening in the forest and down came descending a throne. The One who sat on it was wearing white robes and I could not see His face. I felt this being I was in pulled toward and in front of Him. It was resisting but the Power that came from the One was greater. It fell with a thud to its knees. Then with a loud voice that was so scratchy and so despicable and bass like it shouted, "Jesus! You are the King of kings and Lord of lords!" After it had shouted this words, it was shuttered to pieces, millions of pieces and I was left there on the ground and after that I woke up.

I recounted this dream almost daily trying to understand what was going on and then slowly revelation came that Jesus had come down and saved me. I recalled the time I asked Jesus to help me and here He had done exactly that. I could no longer go on living the same. The compromises I was making had to end. It started with that on and off again relationship, then I found what I struggled to say no to, I could easily do it. The realization came that I had been set free. And after that time I gave my life to Jesus and stopped compromising. This particular renovation required the Master's presence, it required the King of kings to step in. I hope you see that no matter how disciplined I would have gotten, no matter how rigorous and tough I could have been with myself, I was suffering from something even I could not see that was influencing my behavior and contributing to my drifting further and further away from God. But like the one sheep He left the 99 for, He came after me and rescued me and He can rescue you today. Forget the performance and outward look of holiness that is a pretense people put on themselves to look good on the outside while the inside is rotten. Come to Jesus today and encounter His salvation.

“But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.” Isaiah 64:8